Facebook Privacy – Keeping the Creepers Away

Did you know that by default, anyone on Facebook (800,000,000 + people) and the rest of the internet has access to your child’s posts, pictures, likes, tags, and locations?  That’s the bad news.  The good news is that Facebook has gotten in hot water so many times over it’s privacy settings that it is now actually pretty easy for your kids to tighten down their Facebook security to more appropriate (read: “wise”) levels.  In this post I’m going to explain how Facebook privacy settings work and how they can be adjusted.  Your goal as a parent here is to become proficient at using these settings so you can set some boundaries and teach your kids how to make good decisions on what they share and with whom.

But first, a warning: this post is boring.  This point was adamantly made by my editor/wife when she proofed this post.  I’ll now take her advice and tell you why you should push through this dry how-to blog.  This past September, the Telegraph (a UK newspaper) reported a story about a 23 year old teacher who used Facebook to steal pictures of some babies and then convince her ex-boyfriend that she had had his twin children.  She told him that one of them died and that she had moved to Australia with the other.  None of this information was true, but she wanted to torment him, and she snatched some poorly protected Facebook pictures to convince him of the veracity of her claims.  Psychotic?  Yes.  Preventable?  Also yes.

I’m not a dooms-day kind of guy, but it’s worth pointing out that if you don’t master Facebook privacy settings, it’s possible for strangers to see what your kids look like, find their cellphone numbers, their address, where they go to school, what they’re into, who they hang out with, when and where they’re on vacation, and literally follow your kids around by watching their check-ins.  While I hope that never happens to your kids, you can help protect them by teaching them about the wise use of privacy settings.  That’s why you should read this boring article.  With that in mind, let’s jump in.

• Each post, photo upload, check-in, etc. can be adjusted to determine who has access to it.  There are a few things you should know about this feature.  First, Facebook remembers the last-used setting, so if your child makes a public post (which is accessible by everyone) about their favorite Sonic drink, the next time they decide to check-in at the local movie theater, Facebook will automatically make that post public as well unless your child manually changes the setting.  It’s important to teach your kids wisdom in what they share and with whom.  My personal recommendation is to choose the “custom” option and make all posts visible to no more than “friends-of-friends.”  If that still seems too transparent for you, then stick with the “friends” setting.  The other thing you need to know about this feature is that by using the “custom” option, your kids can choose who not to share their statuses with.  If they want to check-in at that party you strictly forbade them from attending, they can limit you from seeing it.  See step #3 from my last post.
• Your kids can also choose what profile information to share and with whom.  This is important because, while your kids may want to share their cellphone number, email address, and age with their friends on Facebook, you don’t want the whole world having access to that info.  Just as with statuses, your kids can decide who can see each individual piece of information.  Help them make good decisions in this area by explaining why it’s a bad idea for strangers to have certain information, and then set rules or guidelines about who can see what.  Again, I’m comfortable with friends-of-friends accessing most of my info, but that’s probably not wise for information like cellphone numbers when your kids are involved. 
• Not all Facebook apps have built in privacy options.  For this reason, it’s important for your kids to edit their default privacy settings.  This will let them choose who see the posts they make from apps that don’t allow them to customize their audience.  You can access this menu in Facebook by clicking the drop-down arrow next to the word “Home” on your Facebook screen and selecting “Privacy Settings,” or you can just click here.
• To wrap up, I want to make special note of the Facebook feature that allows other people to tag your kids when they check in somewhere.  Let’s say your child goes to the mall for the afternoon with her friend.  You have taught her well and established healthy boundaries, and she knows to limit her check-in privacy settings so only her friends can see where she is.  That’s great!  Some of her friends may see her check-in and decide to join her at the mall.  Her friend, however, is not so prudent.  This friend has made her check-ins public.  If she tags your child in her check-in, your daughter’s location is now visible to the world even though your daughter’s settings are set to “Friends.”  This function is designed to make Facebook more social (and also to compete with sites like FourSquare), but I think it’s wise to be wary of location tagging where minors are involved.  For this reason, I recommend having your kids set up their privacy settings so that other people cannot tag them in check-ins.  You can do this by clicking the link above, selecting “Edit Settings” in the “How Tags Work” section, and then turning “Friends can check you into places” to “off.” 

Familiarizing yourself with these settings and teaching your kids to take advantage of Facebook’s very customizable privacy settings will help protect their privacy and, possibly, their safety as well.

I’m curious to know your thoughts on Facebook and Internet privacy.  Are these settings important for you and your kids, or should we stop worrying about privacy in a social-network-driven society?  Do you think these settings go far enough, or should your kids be even more careful about what they tell Facebook and who can see it?  Leave your thoughts in the comments box below.

All of this information (and most of the pictures) are provided by Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/about/privacy/your-info-on-fb

A Little Subversive Christmas Cheer

I’m on vacation with my family this week, so I’m not planning on updating the blog at any kind of normal rate.  Somehow vacations are more mentally draining on me than regular work weeks, and I just don’t have the necessary mental capacity for complex thought after herding my two little tornadoes all day.  The following post is an email I received from someone who was on the receiving end of one of our subversion assignments (my dad).  While it’s highly unlikely that the person who did the action is a reader of this blog, it’s cool to read about the reaction of someone who does read this blog when the subversive tables are turned.  Enjoy.

I know you’ll laugh when you read this. I’ve been reading your blogs and really wanted to comment, but I haven’t figured out how all that works yet. I was particularly interested in your subversion assignment blog on 10/7 (ok I confess I just started reading a few days ago and am trying to catch up). Anyway, this past Sunday we decided to make a whirlwind trip to Silver Dollar City to see the Christmas lights. Since we waited to leave until after church we decided to pull into the local Sonic to get some food. There were only two cars ahead of us, so my expectation was that it would be a short wait. That was, until the car immediately ahead of us pulled up to the window. After a few minutes I started grousing about how they must have ordered for everyone in town because it was taking so long, even though I could only see one head in the car.  I noticed that the driver handed money to the cashier two separate times, so I felt justified in my synopsis of how much they had ordered.  As the car drove away, the driver honked and waved, but – assuming they were waving to someone behind me – I didn’t pay it any attention.

When we finally got to the window, I started to swipe my card and the lady at the window stopped me and informed us that, “Your food has been taken care of.”  I did a double take and asked for clarification, and she explained that the people in the car ahead of us had paid for our food!  Bottom line, they must have read your blog, and now I’m going to find an opportunity to be subversive.  It really does make an impact when someone does that for you. Thanks for the suggestion.  Next time, I’ll be on the giving end. I hope more people try it!

I. Love. This.

If you’d like to share a subversion story, or even if you just want to leave a comment or question, you can do so by typing in the comments box below.  If you’re not seeing a comments box, it’s probably because you’re on the main page instead of the blog post.  Simply click on the blog post title, and you will be taken to a page where you can comment on, like, and share the post.  If you’re enjoying the blog, you can sign up to receive a notification email when a new post goes up by clicking the link on the left side of your screen, or you can click at the top of the page to subscribe via RSS.  Have a blessed holiday week.

How To Be The Best Facebook Parent Possible

I’m going to start this post with the stated assumption that you want to be the best parent you can be and that you are trying to raise teens who are faithful to the character of Christ.  We need to start here because I’m going to be blunt about what wise parenting looks like on Facebook.  This bluntness should be acceptable to those who agree with my starting assumptions.  If you disagree with something I say, I encourage you air it out in the comments or to email me at aaron@chenalvalleychurch.org.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on to the steps you can take to become the best Facebook parent possible.

Step 1: Get a Facebook account and use it frequently.  You wouldn’t let your kids spend extended periods of time with a bunch of people you’ve never met, right?  If they ask to go to the new cool hangout spot, you’re going to find out what goes on there first, right?  The same should be true of Facebook.  Your kids are spending a LOT of time on Facebook, so you need to be there as well.  If you don’t have a Facebook account, they’re free, and you can sign up here.  If you don’t have an account, stop reading, get an account, then come back and read on.  We’ll wait…

Step 2: Once you’re on Facebook, make your kids friend you.  This is not an option; it’s a requirement of them keeping their Facebook account.  This one simple step opens most of their online life to you.  By simply “friending” your kids, you can see their posts, their likes, the comments they make on their friends’ walls, the comments their friends make on your kids’ walls, what pictures they post and are tagged in, their relationship status, who their friends are, and all sorts of other things.  If your goal is keeping your kids out of trouble, this will help.  If your goal is getting to know your kids better so you can be closer to them, this will be a gold mine!

Step 3: The next step is getting your kids’ username and password.  Again, this is not optional.  If your kids have Facebook account, you have the password.  Period.  Once you have the password, log into their account occasionally and check up on them.  When you log in, you’re briefly looking at three things.  1) Is the password they gave you still correct.  2) Are there any wall posts they’ve been making that have had privacy restrictions that you couldn’t see as their friend.  3) What are they sending in private messages.  Of those concerns, the third is the most important.  Log in occasionally and randomly, and check your kids’ messages.

We need to pause here for a second, so I can answer the inevitable concerns about invasion of privacy, trust, and how angry your kids will be if you go snooping around. First, your kids have no right to privacy from you online while they’re living at home.  The internet – like all technology – is neither inherently good nor evil.  However, you and I both know that the internet is often used for evil, and it’s your job to train and protect your kids from that.  One of the easiest and best ways to do that is to check their accounts.  Doing this allowed one family I know to discover that their child had a drug problem.  Another parent was scanning her child’s messages when she discovered the child and the child’s significant other were planning a rendezvous at the significant other’s house while both of the parents were gone.  This mom also discovered the kids’ plans to lie about where they would be during this time.  In both of these scenarios, the parents were then able to intervene in a situation they would have otherwise never known about.  Good parents carve out places where their kids can have their own space, but the internet isn’t one of those places.

The second and third concerns are easily dealt with.  The trick to not breaking your kids’ trust and not making them angry when you log into their accounts is to tell them you’re going to do it well in advance.  For clarity, I don’t mean that you tell them right before you check up on them (in which case your tech-savvy kids will simply delete anything they don’t want you to see), I mean that you need to sit them down and tell them that you will be checking up on them.  Do this at the same time that you make them give you their username and password.  This conversation is much easier for parents whose kids are getting on Facebook for the first time, because they can frame it as a deal: yes, you can have a Facebook account, but only if you give me access.  But even if your child has had an account that you’ve not had access to for years, you still need to sit them down and have this discussion.  Explain that you do trust them, but that it’s your responsibility as a parent to help them make good decisions and to check up on the decisions they make.  You also want to be able to check who their friends are, and you may not have access to their profiles when you’re logged in as yourself.  As an adult, you may be able to spot warning signs that your child might miss if their friends are headed for trouble.   It is precisely because you love your kids that you need to be able to access their account.  Remind them that as long as they have nothing to be ashamed of, they won’t have any need to worry about you occasionally logging in.  Make sure you’re conveying that this is something you’re doing for their safety and good, not because you care to know all their secrets.  As long as you have this discussion before you ever log in, you will have little fallout in the future.  In fact, as long as you don’t find anything you’re concerned about, your kids will never know you actually did log in.

Step 4: Write and post on your kid’s wall.  It is amazing to see how much affect this simple little step can be.  Just as your presence around your kids and their friends modifies their behavior when they’re together, so too your posting on your kids’ Facebook walls can help modify their online behavior.  No one wants to drop the F-bomb on Jimmy’s wall right above where Jimmy’s mom told him how proud she was of how well he played in his basketball game yesterday.  And no one is going to make an inappropriate comment on Suzie’s picture after her dad comments on the beautiful, godly young women she’s becoming.  Posting regularly on your kids’ Facebook walls will remind them and their friends of your presence, and I think you’ll like the results.

As you start taking these steps, be prepared for some level of resistance.  If your kids push back against you having access to their accounts or being their Facebook friend, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re doing something bad online.  It’s natural for them to want more freedom and autonomy – that’s a big part of what adolescence is all about.  As a parent you will have to find ways to let them spread their wings over time, but the internet is a place where wise parents keep a close guard.

So how about you?  Which of these steps are you already doing?  How many of these rules of thumb are new to you?  Are there good practices you have put in place that I haven’t thought of?  Leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments section below, and let’s continue growing together.

Some Astounding Facebook Statistics

When I first heard of Facebook, I couldn’t see the point.  Watching my friends in the dorm, it seemed like the only useful function of Facebook was digitally stalking the attractive girls in their classes they didn’t have the guts to actually talk to.  Actually, that’s still a pretty common function of Facebook.

When Facebook debuted, it was only for college students.  A few years later, they added high school students, and then in a move that made all adolescents everywhere shudder collectively, Mr. Zuckerberg (Facebook’s founder) allowed old people to join!  Now everybody and their dog (yeah, you can set up profiles for pets too) are on Facebook.  But being on Facebook and knowing how to be a good parent on Facebook are two very different things.  Today, I want to share an infographic with you that will blow your mind, rock your world, knock your socks off, and basically shock you.  Read over it a couple of times asking yourself the question, “As a parent, what are the implications of this information?”  At the end, I’ll share a few brief insights.  Brace yourself:

Here are a few things that jump out at me:

• Though it may sound like begging, when your kids desperately want to be on Facebook and use the line that “ALL of my friends are already on it,” they’re telling the truth.  Social media sites (of which Facebook is the largest) and texting are the new primary communication medium.  As a parent, you can either adapt to this new reality and equip yourself with the knowledge and wisdom necessary to be a good online parent, or you can become non-present in an arena where your kids will spend a vast amount of time.
• Through social networking, information spreads at an astonishing rate, and there is basically no filter.  One person’s interests and opinions are presented with the same weight and validity as another’s.  If there are things you feel are your responsibility as a parent to teach your child (faith, sex, drugs, etc), you need to have those conversations BEFORE they get on Facebook.  Once they’re on, they will learn, and the voices they hear from will very possibly not be the one’s you would select.
• The number of people on Facebook is staggering.  Facebook itself claims the number of active users is 800 million, and over half of those people log on every day!  If 30% of those users are over thirty, that means there are a lot of adults who have potential access to your child and his/her information.  Teaching online safety and responsibility is a must (we’ll look at this in detail tomorrow).
• Facebook carries an enormous potential benefit for you as a parent.  You now have the ability to see what your child is interested in, what she does with her friends, who she likes/is in a relationship with, what she muses about, etc.  This is information that parents have vainly tried to drag out of their kids for centuries, and you can now find out with the click of a mouse.  Eureka!

These thoughts are just the tip of the iceberg.  Tomorrow we’ll look at some practical tips for how you can be the best possible parent on Facebook.  In the meantime, I’d love to hear your reactions and observations as you browsed this infographic.  What concerns you?  What excites you?  How have you or might you harness the power of Facebook to become an even better parent?  Leave your thoughts and comments below.

Parenting 301: Parenting in the Digital Age

Disclaimer: I’m dedicating the next several blog posts to parenting tips and help.  Before we get to that, we need to confront some things early in this process.  Yes, I’m only 28.  No, I’ve never raised a teenager, and to be honest I’m looking ahead to the process with more than a little trepidation.  I offer the information in the coming posts in humility, realizing that God has given you the monumental task of raising the child(ren) you call your kid(s).  I am blessed to work with a great group of dedicated and talented parents, and they raise good kids.  I’m learning a lot from watching the parents!  At the same time, there are several common areas where they find themselves out of their depth and in unfamiliar territory.  The information and advice offered in the following blogs comes from a lot of reading, research, experience, and long discussions with parents.  All of this has expanded upon my degree in youth and family ministry.  Hopefully, the information in the coming days will be beneficial to you as you parent your teen(s).  Keep reading as long as the advice is useful. I don’t think you’ll be going anywhere.

This first series of posts will give you tips for parenting in the digital age.  Here’s what we will be covering:

• Facebook protocol for parents
• Best parenting practices for Twitter
• Protecting your kids and your computer from the Internet
• Pornography
• Mobile Devices
• Skype, FaceTime, and other video chat services

Come back tomorrow for some helpful tips on how to be the best Facebook parent you can be.

Thanking the Under-Appreciated

Think of the last time you ate out.  What was your server’s name?  How about your last cashier at the supermarket?  Do you know the name of the custodian who empties your trash or the lady behind the counter in the cafeteria?  People in the service industry make up a huge group of people around us that we systematically overlook.  We want our food delivered quickly (and it better be the way we ordered it), we want our drinks topped off if they get low, and then we want the server to disappear.  We want our checkout line to move quickly, so there’s no time for the cashier to converse with the customer.  We do not want to see or smell our garbage, so it needs to be changed regularly, but we don’t want to be around people who deal with our refuse, so they need to work at night.  Have I hit a nerve yet?

By denying people in the service industry the basic human courtesy of acknowledgment and gratitude, we treat them as if they are somehow less than we are.  I don’t think we do this intentionally, but we do it all the same.  This week, I want to challenge you to go out of your way to show thanks to those who are normally under-appreciated.  Here are a few ideas of how you might go about doing this:

• Next time you’re eating out, when your server brings your food out, ask her if you can pray for anything for her.  She might say no, but you might also find out she has something weighing on her heart.  Either way, she will appreciate you thinking of her.  I’ve been at a table where this was done before when they waitress had something she needed pray for.  It was a powerful experience.
• Next time you take the trash to the curb, leave a plate of homemade brownies, cookies, etc in plastic wrap where the garbage men will see it.  Attach a note saying thanks for their service.  They have a job none of us would want to do, and the simple gesture can make a huge difference for their day.
• Next time you’re at Walmart, engage the cashier in conversation.  Look at his name badge and call him by name, ask how his day is going, when he’s getting off, ect.  You’ll be amazed at how he’ll perk up just by hearing his own name and realizing you’ve noticed him.

If you’ll give one or all of those ideas a try, I think you’ll be amazed at how much difference such a small gesture of appreciation can make in someone’s day.  Leave your stories in the comments.  I can’t wait to hear how you make a difference!

Thanksgiving Subversion Assignment: The Under-Appreciated

I’ve not gotten into this year’s Facebook trend of posting something I’m thankful for each day, but this being the Thanksgiving season and all, I’d be remiss if I didn’t contribute somehow.  As we celebrate Thanksgiving, I have a subversion assignment for us that I think will help make our Thanksgivings and the Thanksgivings of those around us a little more special.

Over the next few days, go out of your way to notice, thank, and encourage the under-appreciated.  Here are a few concrete ideas for how you might do this in your family:

• Husbands, have you really thanked your wives lately? Have you said more than a half-hearted “thank you” for all the things she does to enrich your life?  Find a creative (non-physical) way to let her know that you notice all the things she does for you and say thank you.
• (This thought was contributed by Lauren, my editor and wife) Wives, can we go an entire day without complaining or being negative? If we focus on the imperfections or outright blunders of our spouses and children, our families will never believe we are thankful for them. The words with which we surround our families can either build them up or destroy their spirits. All too often, we try to legitimize our useless negativity as “being helpful.” Instead let’s challenge ourselves to frame everything positively and vocalize true thankfulness.
• Kids, your parents have a hard job in raising you.  There’s no manual or handbook, and we’re pretty much making it up as we go.  And parenting is a thankless job.  You can change your parents’ week by finding ways to say thanks for their love and the way they serve you daily.

Trying these simple things has the potential to dramatically change the way your family relates to each other this week, and I think you’ll like the improvements.  Leave a comment and let me know the creative ways you come up with to appreciate your family members.  On Friday we’ll look at how we can expand our thankfulness the the under-appreciated outside our families, so be sure to check back then.

Church Without Walls

After my parable, my wife asked the exact question I was hoping it would draw out.  She asked me, rather incredulously, if I thought that every church should change what happens on Sundays to begin catering to a person who experiences church as a complete stranger to the process.  Does breaking down the metaphorical walls of the church mean abandoning the traditions and practices we hold dear but that no longer make sense to outsiders?  Not exactly.

First, I do think we need to be flexible and grace-oriented in our approach to church traditions.  The things that we hold so dearly from the good old days are often things that were once culturally relevant (that’s why we liked them) but no longer are.  That song or worship style that was so great in the ’80s is painfully outdated now, and visitors will be uncomfortable if they feel like they walked through a time machine when they passed through the doors.  If a church still has the dress code of “Sunday’s best,” someone who walks in wearing jeans or shorts and a t-shirt is going to feel horribly under dressed, and that will cloud their entire experience.  We need to be flexible in these small, preference-driven things, but there are many things that are more important and absolutely do not need to change.  Things like communion and congregational singing are a head-scratching mystery to unchurched visitors, but are central to the experience of the Christian faith.  And while we may occasionally tweak the practice of these rituals, we must hold fast to the important role they play in our communion with God and one another.

So then, what was the point of the parable?  What I loved about Lauren’s question is how clearly it brings the heart of this issue into focus.  As we talk about church as a gated community, we have to realize that no matter how seeker-friendly we make our services and no matter how friendly and laid-back our members are, we will still come off as a gated community in our gatherings.  We are, by definition, a gated community because we are a group meeting within the walls of our churches!  The best greeter team, the most dynamic worship team, and the most comfortable chairs (or pews…) will never be able to overcome this fact: we will always be a gated community as long as we require unchurched visitors to come to our space and join in with what we are doing.

Somehow our outreach approach has patterned itself after the mantra from Field of Dreams, “If you build it, [they] will come.”  Could anything be less scripturally based?  If we truly want to be a gate-less community, we need to start thinking intentionally about the time we spend outside the walls of the church, for it is in that time that we will do real ministry, real evangelism, and truly experience the living God.

Think about this: in your ministry to non-Christians, have you done more real ministry within the walls of your church building or outside them?  Are you more likely to have a deep conversation about life issues with non-Christians in your auditorium or at work?  Is it more awkward for you to invite an unchurched colleague to church or to a meal at your house with some of your friends from church?  Do you feel closer to the heart of God when you’re singing on Sunday morning or when you’re actively serving in his name somewhere in your community?  As we look ahead to what an outside-the-walls approach to ministry might look like, I’d love to hear your responses in the comments below.  Share your stories of ministry, and let us encourage one another as we begin to dream big about what our community could look like if we removed the walls.

The Gate-less Community pt 2

Yesterday we discussed what it looks like when we begin tearing down the walls of the proverbial gated communities that our churches can quickly become.  This is a huge topic, and people much smarter than me have written volumes on it, so I’ll be up front and tell you that I have no desire to attempt to cover this topic exhaustively.  Today, I’ll simply leave you with a parable to help us begin thinking about our churches from the vantage point of an un-churched visitor.

Imagine that you and your family move into a new neighborhood.  In the middle of this neighborhood stands a giant building with a sign proclaiming it to be the Community Funzone.  It’s a huge building, looks really cool from the outside, and your kids keep talking about how all their friends at school go to the Funzone on the weekends.  As you get to know your new neighbors, you soon realize that several of the people you meet do, in fact, go to the Community Funzone, and not only do their kids enjoy it, but they have programs for adults as well, though you’re a bit fuzzy on exactly what they do.  A few of them mention in passing that you should come along sometime, but they don’t really push the issue.  Now, you feel like your family can have quite a bit of fun without having to go anywhere (and probably pay for it too, right?), and the last thing you need is one more commitment breaking into the small bit of rest you get on the weekend, but the Funzone is just right down the street, and it does come highly recommended, so you decide to check it out.  You check out the hours of operation online (imagine that the Funzone has a really awesome or really terrible website, depending on how your church does it; this is a parable after all), and you show up on Saturday morning bright and early. 

You’re running a bit late because your family isn’t used to having to be somewhere this early on a Saturday, and the place is pretty packed when you walk in.  Everyone seems to be congregating in a large assembly room, so you join the crowd just as everything is starting.  You find one of the few open seats, and spy some of your neighbors across the room.  They smile at you and wave, and you settle in to see what the Community Funzone is all about. 

First, a guy gets up to welcome everyone to the Funzone.  He’s clearly excited about how much fun everyone will have this morning, and he’ll get you right back to it, but first he needs to tell you about some special upcoming promotions at the Funzone.  He talks about a bunch of people you’ve never heard of who will be hosting how-to’s and mixers that he’s certain you’ll love.  He then tells you about Funzone members who have been recently injured, so be thinking about them, even though you’ve never met.  Once that guy finally steps down, another person gets up and tells you to stand.  “Finally,” you think, “it’s time for the fun.”  This person then begins leading everyone in the Funzone’s popular commercial jingles.  You’ve heard a couple of them as you’ve changed channels on the radio, but, not being much of a singer, the idea of singing around a bunch of strangers makes you instantly uncomfortable.  The last time someone heard you sing, it was the bar of soap in the shower, and if it could talk, you’re sure it would have asked you to shut up, so singing two rows away from George, your neighbor across the street, is not something you’re ready to do.  And some of these people are getting really into it!  Suzanna, the 30-something from the PTO, gets so excited she’s swaying and crying.  Yikes!

After about 20 minutes of jingles celebrating the incredible fun of the Community Funzone (who knew they had so many jingles?) you’re finally allowed to sit again.  George leaves his seat and walks to the front.  You know how much he loves this place, so you’re sure the fun is finally about to start.  He starts talking about food (a good sign), but he goes off on a mystic tangent about symbols that exemplify the spirit of fun.  When the food is finally served by some stern-looking men, you realize it’s just chopped up pieces of energy bars and Monster Drinks in shot glasses.  Doing what everyone else does, you and your family consume the food served to you, but you then see an old lady in the next section shooting you an angry look like you’ve done something wrong.  She must know you’re not actually having any fun.

After another song, your kids are dismissed to their “super happy fun time.”  “Ah, AT LAST,” you think, “this must be the part everyone talks about.  They’re splitting us up so we can have some age-appropriate fun.”  Your surge of optimism is snuffed out when a man yet again approaches the front.  He’s dressed like a guy who knows how to have fun: running shoes, athletic shorts, and a sweat-resistant t shirt under a comfortable pull-over.  This guy’s a professional.  But instead of leading you in some kind of game or exercise, he spends the next 30 minutes talking about how much fun everyone is having and how much fun you, too, could have if you’d just participate in the programs at the Funzone.  They are guaranteed to get you into the spirit of F-U-N (an acronym of some kind).  A few people are nodding furiously and taking notes, but you relate better to the guy sitting in front of you whose head keeps bobbing as he loses the fight with unconsciousness.  The leader, obviously a motivational speaker, talks about the different ways people have fun and how fun has changed the lives of so many who come to the Community Funzone, and while it sounds great, you’ve yet to see anything you’d describe as real fun.  He wraps up his motivational speech, you’re led in another catchy jingle, and then it’s time to pick up your kids.  On the way out, you’re stopped by several people, including Suzanna, who all express their excitement at seeing you at the Funzone.  “Didn’t you have a blast,” Suzanna asks.  You lie, grab your kids, and get out of there as quickly as possible.  Next week, you’re sure you’ll have quite enough fun at home.

Now it’s your turn.  What things at your church might freak out or confuse the hapless visitor?  Leave your comments and thoughts below.  I can’t wait to hear!  Tomorrow I’ll tell you about a conversation I had with a kid who experienced church for the first time.  I found it eye-opening, and I think you will too.

The Gate-less Community

This past August, I asked four of my teens to show up on a Wednesday night when we didn’t have class.  They had no idea what was going to happen or why they were coming to the church building, but being good sports, they came anyway.  When they arrived at the building, they were loaded up in a volunteer’s car and taken to a local church they had never attended before.  The volunteer dropped them off at different places in the parking lot with the instructions that they were to find where the youth group met and attend the service as a visitor.  They were not allowed to sit with any of the friends from our group, and they were to act like they didn’t know each other.  Basically, we wanted them to experience what youth group is like as a stone-cold visitor.  I think some of the things they experienced and learned could be helpful for us as we look at how we can make our churches and small groups more accessible and less like a gated community.  For the sake of discussion, I’ll follow up their observations with questions for you to think about in the context of your church.

• Through a mixture of good signage and friendly people, they were all able to quickly find where the youth group was meeting.  Most churches have signs, but are the signs in your building easy to read and follow?  Is your membership (and more pointedly, are YOU) friendly and helpful to visitors, making sure they’re not lost?
  
• The kids were all immediately greeted and welcomed by multiple people.  One adult volunteer took down their personal information (for follow up) while the youth pastor made conversation with them.  This took away from any awkward, lonely moments.  Does your church have a system for actually getting to know new people?  Visitor cards are cold and impersonal, so having someone who is gifted at comfortable conversation while that information is being given is a great way to tear down walls.  In the context of small groups, does your group eagerly desire getting to know new people?
• From the information the teens gave, the youth pastor was then able to connect the visiting teens with members who shared similarities like schools or hobbies.  Does your church make a concerted effort to connect visitors with people whom they are most likely to strike up a friendship?  Is the information you’re gathering cold-hard facts, or does it also reach a personal level?  Who are the people in charge of helping the visitor move from information giving to potential relationships?
• Once our teens had been introduced to some of the members of their youth group, the youth pastor then had a couple of the older teens take them on a tour.  This created an atmosphere where it was easy to walk and talk.  It also invited my CVY kids to start seeing their space as “our space” as they became familiar and comfortable with their new surroundings.  How do you help ensure that opening conversations between members and visitors are comfortable instead of awkward?
• After returning from the tour, the youth pastor began doing what youth pastors do: trying to ingratiate himself with the new kids.  But he came on too strong.  At one time or another, all of our kids felt a little awkward about some of the things he did trying to be funny, cool, or whatever.  He didn’t do anything inappropriate, and our kids all graciously understood his good intentions, but there were still a few uncomfortable moments.  What is the point at which we go from welcoming to overwhelming?  Is it worth toeing that line to ensure our visitors know their welcome?
• Once the youth pastor got out of the way, our teens connected with the member teens in a surprisingly deep way.  I met with them after this experience to help them process what had happened, and I was shocked by how many names and stories they knew from the kids in that youth group.  The kids there did a great job of being open, friendly, and welcoming, and our kids walked away feeling like they could have easily become part of the group.  Does your church or small group actually WANT new members?  Are people constantly aware of visitors and are your members interested in sharing life with new people?  When a visitor leaves, what names and stories (equally important) will they have learned?

I wish I could say that we walked away from this experience affirmed that we were already doing all the good things other groups were doing to be welcoming, but in reality, this experience opened our eyes to a lot of blind spots we had.  It helped us realize just how many walls we had inadvertently put up around our group, and we’re now in the process of finding ways to tear them down.

But what about you?  I’d love to hear some of the ways your church and/or small group make visitors feel welcome.  And if you’ve had to overcome obstacles you didn’t expect, I’d love to hear those too.  Leave your ideas and experiences in the comments below, and let’s grow together!

[The initial idea for this experience with my teens came from Doug Fields (though I wish I had thought of it first.]